Sleep Does Strange Things To My Brain
So somehow I woke up from a dream of recovering family items from a condemned house… with an Alanis Morissette song and a Sherlock scene bunny stuck in my head.
The scene bunny? Sherlock’s going to visit John (who’s been hurt and is in the hospital), telling himself to act normal- after all, John doesn’t need to see all these emotions Sherlock’s having any more than Sherlock himself actually needs to feel them, right?. And then Sherlock enters the room, sees how pale and bandaged up his friend is and…
“ERMAGHERD! CANNOT CONTAIN FEELZ!!1!!”
(or however that’s supposed to be written)
This was the image that was stuck in my head when I woke up.
I swear I’m not on crack.
As much as I feel I’ve progressed in regards to social interaction over the last 10/15 years, my stomach is still in knots over wanting to make a comment on youtube. FREAKING YOUTUBE! Nobody even knows my name on youtube, I’m fairly certain… except maybe my vet, cuz I tried to show her a video of something that was happening to my cat and the screen on my camera was tiny… but the point is, nobody would even know the person making the comment was me and even if they did, what would it matter? It wouldn’t be a trolling comment, but it still might anger (shame?) some people and if there is one thing that gets my intestines to start trying their hand at cannibalism, it’s conflict.
So freaking exhausted but I have to take my second shower in the past 6 hours cuz the farewell party I went to unexpectedly involved a bong. Though I can’t smell it, I probably smell like weed. Spectacular.
If I had known it was going to be there, I would have held off the shower until later. I mean, it’s not like they probably would have been able to smell me over the weed anyway.
When you feel like you’ve spent the entire day productively, it comes time to call it a night and you discover that you had one Really. Important. Thing. you completely forgot about.
“Come hither so that I might anoint your face with my drool.”
My head is whirling and I can’t even think. My friend, the one whose baby shower I attended at the beginning of February, the one who was expecting her baby girl next week… her baby is dead. She died in the womb sometime Thursday or Friday and my friend is getting induced today and I can’t even begin to imagine having to carry around that weight for a day, knowing that the little life you were sheltering just isn’t there anymore, even though the shape of it is.
Her sister says she is doing well. I think she’s lying. They’re nice words but who could do well, knowing what my friend knows? What woman could possibly put a hand to their rounded stomach with that knowledge and not want to scream and sob and punch things and ask God why?
No, there is no “doing well” in a case like hers, not yet, and the rest of us are stuck with the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing we can do to help her or even to understand.
I love when I say or do something and then, hours later, proceed to second-guess the crap out of it.
And what I’d intended to do before finding that photo
So… I just came back from seeing “Identity Thief” with a couple of friends. I wasn’t entirely thrilled about going to see it but they insisted on it, so I held my tongue and hoped for the best. They thought it was absolutely hilarious. I didn’t. I’m trying to figure out why, so please bare (bear? which one is it?- both seem odd) with me while I talk this out.
The most likely reason I didn’t find it anywhere near as amusing as my friends is the simple fact that I am constantly aware of people around me and how my reactions are judged. I’ve been made fun of for reactions in the past, from my taste in guys to what I like/didn’t like for books to my sometimes odd sense of humor. So I don’t laugh or cry easily. The movie or tv show that can prompt the appearance of either is rare (I even remained dry-eyed at something to which heavenlapse claimed, when she gave it to me, “If you don’t cry over this, you have no soul”). So it is entirely too possible that I was so focused on my surroundings that I wasn’t paying enough attention to the movie.
But… there are doubts lurking in my head. I just keep coming back to the thought of why the thief had to be a big woman. A big woman who overdoes her makeup, overdoes her hair and can’t find anyone to love her, except an equally big drunk guy in a bar (who ends up being racist). This is a big woman who pretty much lies with every breath, is really annoying, is depicted as something of a freak and acts far more confident than she is (because of course no big woman can be confident). More than once, she sees/hears people laughing at her and eventually, what does she do? Instead of telling them off, she goes up to the assholes and actually asks for help. Cue the physical makeover that makes her gorgeous (slow motion entrance to highlight the changes!) and consequently kickstarts an emotional makeover. Yup, that’s right. Give in to the taunting of bullies and your life immediately improves. And, wait, didn’t this actress play in Bridesmaids? …. and wasn’t her character in that also a big woman who is annoying and depicted as something of a freak who can only get someone essentially just as freaky to love her? It’s been a while since I saw that movie either but I think it’s the same woman. I’m not sure how this became her niche or why it had to be a niche in the first place but the fact that it is just gets under my skin like a porcupine quill.
My friends, I’m fairly certain, realized I was less than impressed with Identity Thief. I’m not sure they realized the extent. They’re currently raving about it on facebook. I’m currently ranting about it on tumblr.